Who Am I: An Inside Story

Do you know who you are? Have you ever asked yourself “Who am I?”, the life’s most defining question? Perhaps you are trying to figure out but yet to discover the answer to the question “Who am I?” Or, probably you are also going through life like most people without ever knowing who are you? Anyhow, are you curious to know the true story about “Who we are?”, “Where did we come from?”, and “Where are we going?”. If the answer is yes, please read on:

Here is the inside story of a human being—the insignificant ape who became the ruler of the planet earth. See, if you can relate to this.

Who am I: Why the question matters?

“Who am I?” is probably the question that has no easy answer. But why do I need to know who am I? Simply because the world is projection of the self; what I’m within is projected outwardly.

To understand the chaos and misery that exist within me, and so in the world; before I set on a journey to find truth or reality or God or bliss or the end-purpose of life, I must first find clarity through right thinking. And right thinking comes with self-knowledge. Therefore, I must begin with myself.

Without self-reflection, without knowing myself, my way of thinking, my conditioning, my beliefs, how can I truly think about anything? There can be no radical transformation of the outer world, of the society so long as I do not understand myself.

To understand myself, I’ve to see everything that goes in my daily life. I have to observe what I think, feel and do from moment to moment. I’ve to see the whole picture and not a fragment of it; I’ve to give whole attention without any distraction; to question everything I have accepted as valuable, as necessary; to expose myself to myself and be completely vulnerable; to penetrate deeply and become intimate with myself without condemnation or justification. And to look at myself as I am actually without any distortion, I need a great deal of humility, passion and honesty.

Reality can be found only in understanding what is, the real, the actual, without interpreting it, without condemning it or justifying it. The what is is what I am, not what I would like to be; it is not the ideal. To understand what is, there must be freedom from the fear of what is.

We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are.

—Anais Nin

So, here’s a truly sincere attempt to explore the life’s most fundamental question: “Who am I?” through the teachings of J. Krishnamurthy, one of the greatest thinkers of all time.

But before taking an inner psychological journey to know, who am I, let me first take a look at the evolution of life.

Evolution of Life: Where did I come from?

Damn-I’m blessed with life! But why life exists? Is there a purpose? Let me be humble enough to acknowledge that I’m still grappling with the perplexity of the origin-of-life mystery.

I know that universe is around 14 billion old while planet earth is around 4.5-billion-year-old. I have come to know how stars and planets are born and die. My current understanding of quantum mechanics and evolutionary biology point towards inherent randomness in existence and it seems to me that God (mother nature) indeed plays dice. I have gone to the skies and beneath the sea and invented electronic brains; but I still don’t know why do I exist?

Yes, I still don’t know whether all physical and biological requirements for life fell together just by fluke or is there some deeper explanation (primordial soup, extra-terrestrial agents, supernatural designer or some unknown physical laws) for the origin of first living cells on planet earth.

Nevertheless, based upon chance hypothesis—my current scientific understanding—I owe my existence to the many extremely improbable but happy accidents; to the big bang—the explosive event that marked the origin of universe; to the meteorite that probably bought organic compounds—the building blocks of life—on earth from the outer space;  to the asteroid which struck the earth around 66 million years ago and ended the reign of dinosaurs; to the gene which led to the evolutionary enlargement of my cerebral cortex (part of the brain responsible for my language, imagination and problem-solving abilities), and in particular that of its prefrontal region—a major evolutionary landmark in the emergence of my cognition.

So, in all probability, my appearance was unanticipated and is only a small happening in the existence. I’m here only for a tiny portion of the time that life has existed on this earth. However, despite all the evidence to the contrary, my anthropic arrogance claims that I’m the centre of the universe and that universe is designed and fine-tuned for me.

Now, let me delve a bit more deeply into the questions: the mystery of “Who am I?”

Who Am I: The Physical Me!

I’m a biological organism evolved from mammals and my closest surviving relatives are chimpanzees (the split occurred around 5-8 million years ago), whose genome is almost 95 percent similar to my own. Strange it may sound but all animals including the fish are my distant cousin and I have actually descended from fish.  In fact, all life forms share a common ancestor—aquatic animals in the water.

Considering gene-centric view of evolution, I’m a survival machine blindly programmed to preserve the selfish molecules known as genes.

I come into existence when one lucky male sperm (out of many million) makes a lengthy and arduous journey to meet up with the female egg and fertilize it—just in time— after fighting a frantic battle to the finish with many hundreds of sperm.

Who Am I: The Psychological Me!

Although I have made tremendous outward progress from bullock cart to the jet plane, psychologically I remain the same. I’m what I’ve been for millions of years—greedy, envious, guilty, aggressive, anxious, fearful, brutal, competitive and despairing with occasional flashes of joy and affection.

In addition to physical fears which I’ve inherited from animals, I have psychological fears. I’m afraid of living, afraid of death, afraid of being lonely, afraid of being nobody, afraid of losing my job, afraid of not being a success, afraid of not having enough food or money, afraid of pain, afraid of being ridiculed, afraid of not getting what I want or of losing what I have, afraid of the known and afraid of the unknown. And I am afraid to look at my fears.

I don’t know how to look at or listen to anything because my mind is endlessly chattering. I’m slave to my thought – the thought, which is always active, chattering, moving, inventing, supposing, forever making images, breeding duality; the crooked thought that can invent anything and see things that are not there; the clever and cunning thought which distorts everything for its own convenience preventing me from looking, observing and thereby understanding. And I waste a great deal of time and energy in controlling my thoughts.

I know I’m nothing, empty and inwardly poor, but I don’t know how to live with that loneliness, that emptiness. Therefore, to fill that inward void, I struggle to become something though achievement, through acquisition, through power and so on. As a temporary escape from the self, I identify myself with a nation, society, religion and God. It flatters my vanity; it gives me gratification, a sense of well-being.

I’m always in search of something permanent, a lasting happiness, gratification and certainty; looking for a formula, method or guru to understand myself and find a meaning in life. I’m seeking reality promised by another and therefore I’ve been spoon-fed by teachers, by authorities, by books and by saints.

In trying to conform to an ideology, I suppress myself. And I’m willing to sacrifice myself for the sake of an ideology because I think that the system, be it economic, social, political or religious is more important than me.

There is duality in nature – man and woman, light and shade, night and day. But I’ve also inward psychologically duality—right and wrong, good and bad, moral and immoral, violence and non-violence.

I lead a hypocrite and dishonest life. I’m fundamentally and lastingly interested in myself but is ashamed of honestly admitting this fact. Satisfaction is all I’m looking for; sometimes I seek gratification through God or a Guru, sometimes through meditation, sometimes through sex and sometimes through a drink and there’s not much of a difference.

I always live either in the past or in the future because I really don’t know how to live in the present. I also don’t know how to observe myself and my surroundings without making any judgement. I’m engaged in the pursuit of pleasure in some form or other without being aware that pain is the shadow of pleasure.

I think that I can become intelligent by passing the examination and studying books. The education has taught me what to think, not how to think.

I’m not just concerned with earning a livelihood, a means of subsistence, but with acquiring position and prestige. I cooperate with others only at superficial levels but unconsciously, deeply I’m at battle with them because I want to dominate them and be ahead of them.

I’m measuring and comparing myself all the time against something or someone, struggling to be different from what I’m, always trying to be like someone else, trying to destroy myself in order to be like B or C. Through comparison I’m trying to evolve, to grow, to become more intelligent, more beautiful. But I always fail.

Either I want to lead others or follow others. The exercise of leadership brings gratification of my cravings for power and followership brings the gratification of my desire for certainty and security; the guru or a leader provides me a kind of a dope.

My mind has become dull through discipline and conformity. I’ve always thought that to find something beyond this little life, I’ve to torture my mind and body. If I perform certain rituals, repeat certain prayers or mantras, conform to certain patterns, suppress my desires, control my thoughts, sublimate my passions, limit my appetite, and refrain from sexual indulgence, I shall, after sufficient torture of the mind and the body, find something beyond this little life.

I call myself human but I’m not the original, rather a second-hand human being because there’s nothing new about me. Psychologically, I’m not a real individual. I’ve become a mere repetitive machine with certain conditioned responses. I have been conditioned by nationality, caste, class, tradition, religion, language, education, experiences, evolution and I react to circumstances as per my conditioned mind and I just can’t see the dangers of my conditioning.

Having lost touch with the nature, I just can’t notice the beauty all around me—the beauty of sunrise or the moonlight or a flower or a bird or a mountain—because my eyes are blinded with my worries. I’ve to visit an art gallery to appreciate the beauty of nature.

In order to escape from the reality, I have invented many beliefs and ideals. I cling to my belief system because it helps prevent psychological pain; simultaneously, I also preach brotherhood without understanding that belief only separates and can never unite.

I always avoid what is by cultivation of an ideal. For example, instead of coming face to face with violence, I’ve cultivated an ideal of non-violence. The fact is that I am violent; it does not matter whether violence is innate in me or whether society has produced it in me. Violence is not merely killing others; it is much more subtle, much deeper. Anger is the most common expression of violence. I’m ok if everything around me is fine, but the moment there is disturbance, loss, threat or pain, the animal inside me awakens and the whole nature of violence comes out.

I also do organised butchery in the name of God, society or a country. And, I have always been trying unsuccessfully to destroy the outside violence through the ideal of non-violence without trying to understand the violence that resides within me. Various religions have tried to tame me but none of them has so far succeeded.

I’m unable to change my basic nature yet I’m always trying to change the society through wars, revolutions, laws and ideologies.

Nature Vs Nurture: Am I born with a blank slate?

My behaviour is partly shaped by genes (nature) and partly by the environment (nurture) in which I grew up. My mistaken belief that slate is blank is now shattered: the mind indeed comes with pre-loaded operating system.

The study of genetics has helped me understand that just like physical traits, personality or behavioural traits are also heritable. And epigenetics tells me that my behaviour and environment also affect my genes (how genes are expressed), at least temporarily.

Am I a Flawed Algorithm?

I just happen to be the most sophisticated and complex algorithm nature has yet produced. But there’s a basic design flaw which I can never fix; my thinking brain is regularly hijacked by my feeling brain’s incessant desires. That is the basic reason behind my all problems.

Yes, I have not been able to reason my way out of my primitive instincts. My reptilian brain (the most primitive part of my brain in charge of survival instincts like feeding, mating, territoriality and safety) and my limbic system (in charge of emotions) are still driving me on autopilot mode while my neocortex (more particularly prefrontal cortex) is stuck in the passenger seat.

Am I Living in Denial Mode?

Anthropology has helped me shed another myth: the myth of the noble savage living in peaceful harmony with nature. I wrongly believed that my ancestors that lived in primitive societies never did harm to one another or the environment. The fact is that the savage had only one recourse in order to live – violence. And despite having invented the civilization, morality and rationality, I still remain an ignoble savage.

The science of brain, mind, genes and evolution has helped me understand myself better. But despite all the tech advances made by me, I’m not yet ready to accept my basic (human) nature and continue to live in a denial mode.

Why Am I Destroying the Ecology?

I’m currently living in the Anthropocene epoch in which I’ve substantially altered the earth’s climate and ecosystem. Despite been around for such a short period relative to Earth’s history, I’ve heated the atmosphere, made the oceans acidic, destroyed the forestlands and is responsible for the substantial decline in wildlife population. But why I’m doing all this?

Actually, I take myself too seriously despite knowing well that I’m just a cosmic dust particle. I just don’t know how to end my sense of separation from the rest of the existence. My refusal to accept the simple fact that I’m not special and that all other life forms with which I share the planet are the precious beings like me, has resulted in me destroying the ecology.

The Religious me: Why did I create God?

Why did I create religion? Things were very bad in the old days and to live I required hope more than anything else. The supernatural belief that God was watching and that I would be duly rewarded in my afterlife provided me hope and made my suffering meaningful. I gradually started adding rituals and now I find it difficult to unplug from the matrix of ritualistic worshipping. My greatest achievement is science, but it can neither prove nor disprove the existence of God.

My Business Story: The Infatuation with Growth

My needs are finite while my wants are infinite. I invented business which initially took care of my well-being and made my life better. But once those needs were met, I invented a new science called marketing which started manipulating me to sell all kinds of shit I didn’t need; stuff that wasn’t necessary for my survival.  And I thought more stuff means more freedom, but actually got enslaved by the tyranny of more.

Then, the internet happened. Yes, I invented internet for the bona fide reason to make my life better. I assumed that digital earth would be a better and freer place. But I forget that my feelings brain is running the show. The technology has enabled the business to exploit the flawed algorithm of my feeling brain… making me more addicted to frivolous diversions and pleasures because these diversions are incredibly profitable. Result? I got lulled into docile servitude and became a mindless consumerist with all those creepy ads and privacy invasion.

As of now, the business has become my supreme religion. I have made sure that even the science subjugates itself to the interest of the industry.

The Paradox of Progress: Blue dot effect

Right now, I’m living in an interesting time in that, materially, things are arguably better than they have ever been before in the history of the world, yet I feel more anxious, hopeless and desperate.

I thought that growth is the panacea for all ills, but it has failed to eliminate my pain. It has only transmuted my suffering from a physical form to a psychological form. The more the things are getting better, the more I nit-pick about petty inconsequential things. I’m always looking for blue dots even if there aren’t any.

The prosperity is making it more difficult for me to find meaning in life. It’s making my pain more acute. I simply don’t know what else to hope for.

Fact Vs Fiction: Am I living in a post-truth era?

I’m a habitual liar. I lie to myself and lie to others. I lie about important things, and I also lie about trifling things.

I accuse social media for the fake news but the truth is that I’ve always lived in the age of post-truth. The truth has never been high on my agenda because truth and power cannot travel together. In order to gain power, I had no option but to spread the fiction. This very ability of mine to create fictional stories which everybody can believe has enabled me to conquer this planet.

“A lie told once remains a lie, but a lie told a thousand times becomes the truth.”

__Joseph Goebbels

Yes, I—the insignificant ape— am fully responsible for the existing chaos, for all the misery throughout the world because I’ve contributed to it in my daily life being a part of this monstrous society with its wars, divisions, ugliness, brutality and greed.

The Journey Ahead: Moving towards Utopia

Alas, i’ve almost killed the God! Nevertheless, there is nothing to worry. The time is not far off when I shall become the God. Using bioengineering and drugs like soma, I will convert “Animal Farm” into a “Brave New World”, a utopia where there won’t be any misery and I will achieve the everlasting bliss.

Finally, The Uncomfortable Truth

One day I and everyone I love will die. And beyond a small group of people for an extremely brief of time, little of what I say or do will matter. I am inconsequential cosmic dust, bumping and milling about on a tiny blue speck. I imagine my own importance. I invent my purpose—I’m nothing.

This is the uncomfortable truth of life. And everything I think or do is an elaborate avoidance of it; an attempt to avoid the incomprehensibility of my existence, to avoid being crushed under the weight of my own material insignificance.

Now, you tell me, who am I? Yes, I’m an asshole. And who are you? You’re also an asshole. And finally, who are we? We’re a bunch of drooling idiots!

Ok, now let me enjoy my fucking coffee!

“Fate succumbs many a species: one alone jeopardises itself.”

-W.H.Auden

References:

1. Freedom from the Known by J. Krishnamurthy
2. The First and Last Freedom by J. Krishnamurthy
3. Everything is F*cked: A Book About Hope by Mark Manson
4. The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature by Steven Pinker
5. The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins
6. Animal Farm by George Orwell
7. The Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

Also Read:

1. Sapiens of the Planet Earth
2. Know Thy Stupidity
3. Know Thyself: Who am I